9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
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ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.