That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
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Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
When someone trying to leave me
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
first you must answer his riddles
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….