DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
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How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
When news reporters do sports stories
Meat Cute
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Well, shit
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Hell yeah 👍
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”