9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
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When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason