9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
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speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve