Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
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If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice