When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
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it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.