@thegingercorn: 9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I'm ordering new furniture with his college fund.
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@SlabBaconBP: I hate when I tell my girlfriend to call me when she's feeling sensible and then 2 years go by before I realize I'm probably single.
@DouchyDocLove: Wife just changed her Facebook status to "It's complicated." Better go see what she wants.
@2tickytacky: She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she's gone. She took off after a squirrel.