me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
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The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.