Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick