Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
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[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Milk Cube
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.