9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
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My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I am all good here, 😂😉
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?