9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese