I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
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Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Spring of Deception
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Needless to say…*
*mic drop