What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
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No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.