My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
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Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.