@robdelaney: 9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
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@weismanjake: If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime" just say "I'm ready to hang out right now" and watch them panic
@causticbob: I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
@OfficialMizGin: Cologne companies have no clue what really attracts women. If they did, every bottle would smell like doughnuts.
@VerbsRProudest: Sorry I'm late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.