@robdelaney: 9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
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@WineMummy: Him: Didn't you buy that apple pie yesterday? Me: Yeah, so? Him: There's one small piece left. Me: And if you touch it, I'll stab you.
@rikpayne: People who say "Money doesn't grow on trees" don't understand the paper making process.
@SmokeyDokey43: 1:40am. I get up to pee and step on a squeaky dog toy. He grabs a bat by the bed and yells, "Fried chicken!" So are the days of our lives.
@Sir_Strange: Women who don't even acknowledge your existence just want you to try harder. I recommend hiding naked in her closet with a block of cheese.