9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
You Might Also Like
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”