9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
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I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Word!
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The days of good grammer has went
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.