9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.