@MoistPork: 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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@MondayPajamas: Watching my dad try to scroll through pictures on my phone is like watching someone trying to pet a bubble.
@Underchilde: A friend asked how I’d describe a hot air balloon, and I just told him it’s a lot like my ex, but with a basket.
@abhorrent_wife: Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.
@theshantilly: Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me "Where the hell are you?"