9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
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Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.