@saxbot: 9 out of 10 people agree that it's weird to stand on top of the toilet and ask them survey questions over the stall wall.
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@sageboggs: ME: why am I always anxious? maybe watching TV will help- NEWS: IF THE HURRICANE DOESN'T KILL YOU, CLOWNS WILL
@Shot_Of_Cabo: She: In the future, can you please put the seat down? Me: Now I gotta be a time traveler for you?
@khook32: Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you gave it away! Well grandma, that's how organ donation works.
@Sickayduh: I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair