He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
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waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.