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So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
kitchen magnet
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*