9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
Ovenable?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.