9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
set yourself free xox
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.