@WilliamAder: 9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won't tell you what they're wearing.
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@AmericanGent69: My 4 year old niece won't eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
@ShutUpThatsWho: Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire. Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I'm putting the fires out.
@shutupmikeginn: [my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
@mattytalks: Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend