9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.