9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
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All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
A friend helps you before you need it
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.