9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
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It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
who wants to go expliring
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
❤️🦆
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.