9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
giddy up Office Depot
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring