@AllyBallyBeal: 9 out of 7 people can't do fractions
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@BigBagOfScum: My friend was like "hey bring some cd's to listen to on the trip" and I was like "where are we going, 2001?"
@Douchekevin: Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren't getting along.
@KalvinMacleod: Dave's coming over "Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?" [outside] THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
@Chumpstring: COP: step outta the car ME: k COP: are u carrying any drugs ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don't remember but i do consent to a search