9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
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Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.