9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
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me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?