9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
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Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds