9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
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“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.