9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
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sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
This fish is cracking me up
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.