9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
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First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Pandas 🐼🖤
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I saw this ending much differently.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up