9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
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‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”