The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
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Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Bed should get ready for ME
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
My patronus is a cheeseburger
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.