9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.