me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
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Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
im all 3
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.