I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
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Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
#growingpains
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*