90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
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Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!