@PaigeKellerman: 90% of being a parent is shouting, "Remember to flush the toilet." The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
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@Lord_Smirnoff: *Lowers raised hand. Where's the nearest cycle path you meant? Thought you said psychopath.
@IAmMikeFeeney: What they say: "Hey, have you lost weight?" What they mean: "Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?"
@JoroPotential: If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line "lettuce romaine friends" at a low cost of my student loans.
@robwhisman: [swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would