90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
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You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
it’s the silliest best thing
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.