90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Traveler’s camo
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible