@ericonederful: 90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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@droidbears: [caught hiding something in the garbage] gf: are you eating hot wings again? me: no gf: oh really, then touch your eyes me: god damnit
@ThisLocalHater: The theme from Jaws plays eerily in the distance, only to reveal me approaching an open bar at a wedding.
@totmessmom: We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
@ThisOneSayz: Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there's someone else in the Mickey suit.