90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
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My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
📽️movie date🎞️
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.