90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
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dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
very niche meme I made
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that