90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
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I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Life with a cat in one tweet
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊