90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION