90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.