Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
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Why can’t mirrors be nicer
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.