I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
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I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you