My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
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I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
then why did i get this email
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy